Cutting Cords, Letting Go

New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.

Lao Tsu

As I sit in a private consultation room, at a government office in Dubai, awaiting my turn to talk to a ‘Personal Status (read divorce) Court’ officer, I find myself reflecting on the last 10 years and how I/we ended up here, today.  I filed for divorce, officially, a month ago, although we’ve been technically separated for about a year, and today is the day they called us in to discuss the possibility of a reconciliation, the normal first step in any divorce process, when you marry in Muslim, Sharia court.  You see, my soon to be ex-husband and I, both born Christians, got married 3 years ago, during COVID, in very unusual and extenuating circumstances.  It was at the peak of the pandemic, when all churches and embassies in the UAE were closed, and the easiest, most convenient option available to us, which the local government was generously extending to Muslim and non-Muslim residents alike, was to marry in Sharia court, in order to maintain some degree of normalcy and allow people’s lives to continue unhindered.

We had been living together for 7 years prior, and he happened to get (happily) ’stuck’ in Greece for 3 months during COVID, while I was under lockdown at home in the UAE.  Since day one, he had re-iterated time and again, ad nauseum, that he did not believe in marriage, regarding it a farce of an institution, an unrealistic, man-made construct, designed by a dysfunctional system, intended solely to imprison, suppress, and control its subjects, or rather victims, as he so ‘affectionately’ put it.  Ironically, his anti-establishment and almost anarchistic view of the world was one of the more endearing qualities that had first attracted me to him, different to anyone I had been with before.  Having both been divorced from previous marriages, we agreed that a piece of paper signifying a lifelong commitment, until ‘death do us part’, did not a marriage make, and wasn’t worth the ink it was written with.  The only reason we decided to go through with it was that in those years together, our joint vision was to eventually move out of the UAE and start our dream life together elsewhere. As fate would have it, elsewhere turned out to be Greece, and in order to do that, I required that elusive yet sacred piece of paper, to be married to an EU citizen, rendering me deserving of the honor and privilege of being granted a residency in Europe- that’s it!  Necessary logistics to elevate my sub-human status, as a Palestinian/Jordanian, to that of an EU-spouse, and to give me some sense of freedom of choice and movement!  So we got married!

We had come together at a time in our lives, after painful breakups, when we were both ready to open our hearts to a deeper, more honest, mature, grounded, and fulfilling connection.  And it was a truly beautiful partnership,  for a few years, at least.  We shared numerous interests, passions, dreams, and visions.  Even the way we met, with him attending my yoga classes, felt somehow divinely orchestrated, serendipitous even, especially considering that my ex-husband before him had not only dismissed and disregarded this very significant passion in my life, but also belittled and ignored any attempts I made to share it with him.  So, to begin my journey with this man from that space was a ‘sign’ and already a huge win in my book.

Our first real date was an 11 hour marathon of food (a beautiful 4 course meal he had prepared), wine, and scintillating conversation, which ignited the spark of what eventually turned into an exciting, and life-affirming adventure.  We moved in together after about 8 months of dating and it was a very special time for us both. Sharing the same space and turning his until-then barren house into a beautiful, cozy and loving home was extremely fulfilling and just so much fun!  From there, we grew and shared our love for travel, music, food, exploration, people, and a general lust for life.  We discovered places we were both drawn to and curious about, from South Asia, and Africa (North, South, East), to the Caribbean and Europe, a lot of firsts for both of us, with each and every trip adding its own magical stardust to our experience and journey together. There was an overflowing of love, laughter, joy, passion, and open-heartedness in those few heady years.  He affectionately referred to our home as ‘La Maison de Bonheur’- the house of happiness, always open to receive, host and entertain people, and we were damn good at it.  

Over the years, however, an inexplicable uneasiness started to very subtly weave its way into the innermost fabric and fiber of my being, my heart, my gut.  Amidst all this outward and externally oriented bliss that we were living, there began to develop a sense of discomfort, detachment, insecurity, a ‘je ne sais quoi’ that I had never felt before.  I started to feel that the happiness we were experiencing was somewhat superficial, and that whenever I tried to scratch a bit beneath the surface, to address a niggling, uncomfortable issue or situation, to allow myself to be vulnerable, honest, and raw, he would instinctively and instantly shut down, pull back and distance himself, refusing to go there.  From very early on, true emotional intimacy or expression was off limits, and any attempts from my side to articulate needs and desires in the relationship, or share difficult thoughts and feelings, were met with immediate gaslighting and stonewalling, and a lot of times even shaming, albeit very subtle…all signs that I now know are classic textbook symptoms of narcissistic deflection. Why would we go there and rock the boat when we can just ‘choose’ to stay in our happy place?  These were all ‘my issues’, I was told, which needed to be addressed solo, and had nothing to do with him.  Not once, in 10 years, did I hear the words ‘I love you’ come from him unprompted.  Never did I get a hug, just for the sake of it, without having to go in and ask for one first.  I didn’t see it then and not for years to come, but those were the first signs of my shadow parts calling out to be seen, heard, and held, something, unfortunately, he was never capable of, which in turn informed the way the rest of our time together played out, and how it is now finally ending.  

To him, relationships were about two people coming together, with their own individual paths and dreams, to create a joint, aligned project together, while maintaining their autonomy and independence, kind of like a mutually beneficial business venture, or that’s what it felt like anyway.   Without the ‘project’, there was no common bond.  I have to say I did not disagree completely with this perspective and appreciated the sense of trust and freedom.  However, what was sadly lacking, in my opinion, was the importance and reverence to the third party in the equation, and that is the actual relationship itself…the ‘I’, the ‘You’, and the ‘We’.  This ‘We’ which needs and deserves to be acknowledged, and nurtured just as much as the individuals in the relationship, in ours, was not only neglected, it was severely starved and eventually died of serious malnutrition.   An analogy I heard myself using over and over through the years was that I felt like a plant that hadn’t been watered or fed in years, and was left to shrivel up, and die.  This very fundamental difference in our values and priorities eventually became the obdurate and inexorable thorn in our relationship.  Although, in an attempt to avoid confrontation and hold on for dear life to what, on the outside, looked like a beautiful match made in heaven, I chose to ignore it, deny it, and bury it, only to have it fester and develop into a deep, seething, toxic, and  rotting wound.  

It was hard not to take all of this very personally and it began eroding my very sense of self.  Going from being a strong, wilful, successful, and independent woman, my hidden and suppressed wounds all began to surface and take center stage.  I saw it all as a sign that perhaps I needed to do more work on myself to address and heal these hurt parts, absolving him of any role in the developing dynamic. Not only was I told that the issues that I  to address were mine and mine alone, but I was also accused of trying to change who he is as opposed to loving and accepting him as is!  So I was in a place of facing my imperfections and fears head on, while he stood firm in his stance of being happy with who he is and refusing to acknowledge or address anything! Needless to say, this eventually broke me on every level, and left me in a place of second guessing myself and not recognizing who I was any more.  These buried truths began to show up loudly, and manifested as physical and emotional blocks that eventually couldn’t be ignored any longer.  All the inner healing work, somatic therapies, hypnosis, breathwork, meditation, prayer, plant medicines, etc, were all guiding me toward a deeper knowing  that something was very off.  Here I was clinging to the hope of a more connected, grounded, intimate bond, where he was simultaneously running away from his shadows and creating more space and distance, under the guise of not dwelling on the darkness and choosing to stay in a space of love and light.  Classic pseudo-spiritual, psycho babble, and gaslighting 101.  

The universe in its wisdom was guiding me towards my emancipation, in its own, subtle, and sometimes excruciatingly painful way. Looking back, there were many situations during our time together that confirmed the glaring disconnect, and avoidant attachment on his part, and also, sadly, the self-betrayal, self-abandonment, self-suppression, soul-corrosion, and anxious attachment on mine.  In my attempts to keep the peace, I personalized and internalized everything he said and did, actually embodying the possibility that maybe he was right.  Maybe it IS me.  Maybe I AM too stuck on certain outdated, archaic, romanticized ideas of what a truly loving, open, nourishing, supportive, safe relationship should look like or be.  All this eventually led to my inner death!  I was NO MORE! This version of me had died, suffocated, but again, the universe was guiding me toward my emancipation.

It’s taken me a couple weeks to finish this piece, and I find myself writing its conclusion the very day after our divorce became final!  Coincidence?  There is no such thing!  Over the years, I have tried every kind of energetic cord cutting ritual, willing myself to use my sheer presence and intention to disconnect from my past and let go. Unfortunately, although the practices were lovely in the moment, they did very little to effectively release anything long term. Today, here and now, I feel that those cords have finally been cut! It’s almost miraculous that after all the ‘work’, how in one day, sitting across from him at court and seeing the truth of the person I had idolized all these years, the pain and grief of the last few agonizing years, just melted away! I feel a sense of freedom and lightness I have not been able to access for years.  There was the ‘work’.  By accepting and surrendering to my truth, I have finally been able to let go!  I’m eternally grateful!

Right here and now, I am cutting the cords of the past 10 years, releasing the heavy hold they have had on me.  I am loving my parts back to life, yielding fully and calling on the universe to carry and guide me towards what is meant for my highest and best self in this new, exciting unknown next chapter.

So be it!

So it is!

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

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"Like so much in yoga, and in life, for that matter, experiencing the present moment is not something you do; it is something that just happens.

You 'do' the practice so that when the flash of insight arises, you are awake enough to notice it."

Richard Freeman-